Æ: Aglet Eaters

Confessions of a Whirrshipper AKA Album of the Year 2014

Posted in Feature by R on January 11, 2015

WhirrVsNothing

 

The bandmance between Whirr and Nothing is legendary, and the friendly rivalry/imminent bloodshed between Whirr fans and Nothing fans maybe even more so. Hop over to either band’s page on last.fm and you’ll find comment after pointless comment fighting the interminable fight to answer the question that has haunted mankind for the last four months.

Guilty of Everything or Sway?

At AE, we pride ourselves on being a beacon of unwavering objectivity. If it’s emotionless appraisal you’re after, you’ve come to right place. Aglet Eaters never allows its opinions to be swayed by even the most dogged of majorities, least of all by a majority that erroneously believes Nothing’s Guilty of Everything is a better album than Whirr’s Sway. Such a majority is not only mistaken, but also partially deaf.

I say they are only ‘partially deaf’ because there is no doubt that Guilty of Everything is the second-strongest album to come out of 2014. Who can even count the number of babies that were conceived to the outro of ‘Bent Nail’? Who hasn’t abruptly deserted a significant other in favour of a life of solitary prayer and devotion to ‘Beat Around the Bush’? How many wars have we prevented by simply seguing from ‘Endlessly’ into ‘Somersault’?

But to say it is superior to Sway? Impossible! NOTHING is better than anything by Whirr.

(…OK I see what might have happened.)

Whirr aren’t receiving a whole lot of love at the moment, owing to their slightly abrasive online personas. You’re not supposed to mistreat your fans, apparently, but if you don’t, then how can you tell apart the ones who really, really, really, legitimately love you always and forever ❤ ❤ ❤ ?

See, you couldn’t pay me to not listen to Whirr. You could try, though, if you’re the kind that enjoys a challenge. Whirr could run over my foot with a stretch Hummer and I would ignore the crushed appendage as well as the wanton destruction of the ozone layer and still limp loyally behind them. Whirr could sleep with my best friend and hold me responsible for their lapse in judgment and I would still love them more than my own useless life. Whirr could put out a restraining order against me and I would remain stolidly convinced that they’re just playing hard to get. Under pain of death, the absolute worst I can say about Whirr is that the first 15 seconds of ‘Swoon‘ are probably unnecessary.

Despite Sway not being Distressor, who wouldn’t give up the rest of their lives for a day with the 20 second bridge at the end of ‘Press’ (2:22 – 2:42)? Lovers have died waiting for each other on either side of war-torn borders with “I like the theme of you and me swaying slowly” on their lips. And the day Hope leaves you, her parting words are “weigh me down and cry”.

 

I’ve played Sway so often, even Whirr have told me to get a life.

I can’t.

It’s playing again.

Album of the year 2014.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

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3 Responses

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  1. Jim Payne said, on May 7, 2016 at 7:14 pm

    “Under pain of death, the absolute worst I can say about Whirr is that the first 15 seconds of ‘Swoon‘ are probably unnecessary.”

    I love the whole paragraph that contains that line so much, and that final line made me laugh out loud.

    I also chuckled at the use of “bandmance,” even though I usually abhor such combinations (abominations) of words. You can get away with it, because your motives are pure and your writing is so spectacular. Most writers use word mashups to show how clever they are because that is the only tool they have in their arsenal. You possess a full-on stockpile of tools around your writing abilities and your immaculate taste in music. For that reason, you are justified in your usage of a humorous word mashup that did make me smile. You’re not just using it because you have nothing (“Nothing”) else available.

    I hope this reply doesn’t come off as me being too much of a blathering fanboy, but of your writing I am surely a fan.

    I am just being sincere. 🙂

    • Jim Payne said, on May 7, 2016 at 7:20 pm

      Oh, I also enjoyed this part, very much:

      “But to say it is superior to Sway? Impossible! NOTHING is better than anything by Whirr.

      (…OK I see what might have happened.)”

      The entire review is entertaining, built around two phenomenal albums. It also has the distinction of literally making me laugh out loud several times. I thank you for that!

  2. Jim Payne said, on May 7, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    Although, Whirr may have some SERIOUS competition around the new album that is soon to be officially released by Nothing. If Whirr also releases an album in 2016, and we are forced to choose a favorite between these two titans, I am not sure the world would survive such a clash.

    As the saying goes:
    “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Complete and total destruction.”

    Let us hope that Whirr does not release their next album until 2017; for the sake of all mankind.

    (Figured I might as well make this a trifecta of reply posts here. I’ll stop now, though.)


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